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The universe is comprised largely of constants. Physics, mathematics, and other concepts provide fixed universal constants and formulas which govern the way the universe behaves and allow things to happen in predictable ways.
However, I don't see any reason we should allow goofy things like universal constants and rules to tie us down. In utter rebellion against the universe, I am compelled to, in collaboration with my friends, randomly redefine the laws of nature as I see fit.
In the format of a ChangeLog (to some degree), this space details my latest haphazard revisions to the universe. After all, I feel is my duty to keep the public informed about such important adjustments! If you've got any changes you'd like to make, feel free to strike up a discussion with me on the matter, and I'll see what I can do.
Latest Changes to the Universe
Sunday, May 25, 2008
[Comments: 0] on the subject of cash cows:
- My $600 check from the US government was eaten by cows.
- The US maintains large pastures in which cash cows graze on tax rebate checks and other "lost" funds.
Thursday, November 2, 2006
[Comments: 0] on the subject of one power wheel:
- Mormons are motorized unicycles
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
[Comments: 0] on the subject of the chicago fire:
- The Great Chicago Fire could not be put out because water had not been invented yet.
- Before water was invented, all current bodies of water were filled with oil.
- The fire spread across Green Bay, burning the oil in the bay.
- The world's oceans were accidentally drained into the inside of the earth, filling the crevices with oil.
- The middle east region received a large portion of this oil.
- After all bodies of oil drained, people decided it would be much preferrable to be able to swim than travel by caravan over the vast distances, so scientists invented water to fill the void.
Thursday, May 4, 2006
[Comments: 0] on the subject of a dying species:
- To prevent the extinction of the buffalo, if the last buffalo should ever die, a random duck will instantly turn into a buffalo.
- If the duck happens to be flying or in any other untenable position for a buffalo, it is highly likely the duck will be killed, and thus another duck will soon become a buffalo.
- If a buffalo is about to starve and a duck is nearby, it may turn into a cheesecake for the buffalo's nourishment.
Wednesday, May 3, 2006
[Comments: 1] on the subject of primates:
- Gorillas are fuzzy things that kill.
Monday, April 3, 2006
[Comments: 1] on the subject of insects:
- Fire ants are tiny evil turkeys.
Thursday, March 2, 2006
[Comments: 2] on the subject of Wabash:
- Wabash Ave. is a street 44% of a block east of State St. in Chicago. Wabash does not count.
- If you are counting cross-streets, when you cross it, you must not count Wabash.
- Things on Wabash can be counted, but Wabash cannot count when determining distance or any other information under which Wabash would be figured into a total or a collection of items. For example, "there are X mailboxes on Wabash" is fine, but the mailboxes on Wabash cannot be counted toward the total in the city.
Friday, January 13, 2006
[Comments: 0] on the subject of the war effort:
- There is currently a shortage on window and magnifying glass due to the war in Iraq.
- This is why the building up 4 blocks north still hasn't finished installing the windows, after several months.
- This is also why you never see people carrying magnifying glasses with them anymore.
[Comments: 0] on the subject of questions:
- You can only ever not accept one question, so choose it carefully.
- It is still under debate whether you can refuse to accept two "one questions."
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
[Comments: 1] on the subject of headwear:
- Tobogans may be used as headwear if you come from North Carolina. This means you may optionally go sledding on your head.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
[Comments: 3] on the subject of the fruit of a meat:
- A cowch is a combination between a cow and a peach.
- The cowch grows on trees and produces peach juice instead of milk. Cowch meat tastes like peaches.
- A chocolate cowch is a breed of cowch that is coated in chocolate. It can be sheared to collect the chocolate in much the same way as a sheep is sheared for its wool.
[Comments: 1] on the subject of underground transit systems:
- Since Chicago has no subway system, there is plenty of room for underground corn fields, for use by rock-fish-birds.
- Since Chicago does actually have a subway system, Chicago no longer has a subway system.
- By the preceeding rule, New York also does not have a subway system. However, the area underground in New York is not suitable for underground corn fields.
Friday, November 11, 2005
[Comments: 0] on the subject of ethanol-powered granite animals:
- The rock-fish-bird is an amazing naturally occurring creature: a combination bird and fish, it can swim and fly.
- Due the fact it is made of granite, its naturally evolved jet engines allow it to move around from place to place.
- The jet engines are powered by ethanol, so it can refuel anywhere ethanol is available.
- Its primary natural fuel source is ethanol springs from underground corn fields.
- A special breed of naturally occurring worm harvests and converts the corn to ethanol.
- This change dates back to early in 2005, but knowledge of it is extremely important to truly appreciate nature.
[Comments: 0] on the subject of earthquales:
- The earth has earthquales in China, and there is a uprising of North Caralona and it orbins tge city of Tennessee.
- This is an old change from back in May, but many people still don't know about it. I know it's true because I saw it posted on the Internet.
Saturday, November 5, 2005
[Comments: 1] on the subject of weather phenomena:
- A "cornado" is a weather phenomenon that occurs when a tornado contains substantial corn content. This usually occurs in Iowa, where tornadoes regularly tear through corn fields.
Friday, November 4, 2005
[Comments: 0] on the subject of car insurance:
- Cars that are not Scions are preexisting, so they cannot get medical insurance.
- Drivers of cars that are medically insured can be protected if they are injured through a car's sickness.
- The car flu is far more dangerous than the bird flu.
[Comments: 0] on the subject of glass:
- If light bulbs are not windows, there are no windows.
- Anything that is glass is a window.
- All glass is transparent.
- If a tree is made of glass it tastes somewhat like maple.
Tuesday, November 1, 2005
[Comments: 1] on the subject of TCP networking:
- LNE is now a valid TCP flag that can be sent in response to an RST. This handles the possibility that following an abnormal disconnection, the machine at the other end would like to try to play Wheel of Fortune instead.
[Comments: 0] on the subject of mathematics:
- The following is now a valid and useful equation: (bird plus carrot) divided by square root of 15 = a sledge hammer destroying a laptop with a blue screen of orange exclamation point. This was doodled today, so it must be true.
- This concept is actually an offshoot of fruithematics devised by me, my sister and my cousins earlier this year, which extends to other tangible objects.
